Failure
by MetalPrincess13
Summary: After losing another competition, Ash has a hard time pulling himself together. Maybe his oldest rival can help him. Palletshipping one-shot.


**Failure**

After losing another competition, Ash has a hard time pulling himself together. Maybe his oldest rival can help him. Palletshipping one-shot.

… … …

Hello everyone! I've been gone for awhile (as usual, honestly) but inspiration struck for this one and I banged it out as quick as I could. Hopefully it's not too awkward, considering this whole fic was maybe three hours of work from start to finish. Enjoy and please review!

… … …

 _Failure._ The word echoed through his head again and again in a never-ending cycle of self-loathing.

Another region. Another competition. Another lost battle. Another failed attempt.

 _Failure._ And the vicious cycle started yet again.

The losses were getting harder and harder to deal with, each one taking a little longer to bounce back from. He was starting to find that it was almost impossible to face his traveling companions at the end of each competition. It hadn't always been like that, but it had evolved to this point. Slowly his desire to be the best was slipping away from him. He felt his determination wavering, his resolve crumbling.

He sat, feeling wholly despondent, on a bench behind stadium. It had been hours since his defeat. His friends had come and gone, eventually leaving him to stew in his self-pity.

 _No one wants to be around a failure_.

Releasing a sharp sigh, Ash leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. He had lost again. He had been on top of the world that morning, eager for his battle and planning to win. But now… Now he was even further away from his dream of being the best pokemon master ever.

He was a _failure_. A complete and utter _loser_ who would never be a master.

Maybe it was time to give up. Maybe he should just go back to Pallet and try to live a normal life. If he was going to be a failure then he might as well live as one.

He was suddenly aware of someone near to him and quickly lifted his head. It was dusk and the sun was nearly set, casting deep and long shadows. Ash couldn't see who it was, but he could hear approaching footsteps echoing across the concrete pathway towards him.

He stared pointedly away from the direction of the person intruding on his solitude. Hopefully they would take the hint and leave.

A dark bottle was suddenly dangled in front of his face. Startled, Ash looked up to find the smirking face of his oldest rival. The researcher had come to watch his friend compete while on a short vacation from his research in Sinnoh.

Gary waved the bottle slightly, careful to avoid spilling the drink. "C'mon, Ashy-boy, you know you want it."

Sighing, Ash reached out and took the bottle from him but didn't drink. Gary dropped easily into the spot on the bench next to him and took a sip of his own drink in an identical bottle.

"You're allowed to drink it, you know. I haven't poisoned it," Gary pointed out.

Ash reluctantly took a sip and winced a bit at the carbonation that bubbled down his throat. The beer warmed his empty stomach but did nothing to alleviate the anguish that absolutely permeated every bit of his being.

"Have you been out here by yourself this whole time?"

Ash nodded wordlessly, taking another sip of the drink. Maybe if he drank enough he would be able to feel something other than misery.

"That doesn't sound very much like you," Gary noted lightly.

"What are you doing out here, Gary?" Ash sighed. He really didn't feel like talking. He just wanted to be alone.

"What? Can't I share a drink with a friend who very clearly needs it?" Gary asked, nudging Ash lightly in the ribs. He frowned at Ash's lack of response. "Come on, Ash, what gives?"

"What do you think?" Ash snapped. "I lost the battle, I lost the competition. Now I just want to sit here by myself."

"You've been doing that all day though," Gary pointed out. "You should join everyone. They're all celebrating how far you got this time. You were really close."

Ash kept his eyes on the ground. "I still lost." He took a deep swig from the drink, causing his companion to frown.

Gary hadn't wanted to give Ash a way to drown his sorrows, he had just wanted to check on him, spend some time with him. Maybe even have that _one_ conversation with him. The one that Gary planned to have every time he saw Ash, but had backed out of every single time thus far.

"You made it to the final round, Ash," he said reasonably. He had been hoping that Ash would at least understand this and be in a decent mood, even if he was a bit down.

Ash said nothing for a long time and Gary leaned back on the bench, attempting to figure out a way to help Ash back to his feet. Perhaps Ash just needed a good distraction until some more time passed. Maybe he needed a bit of a break from training. Many people experienced serious burnout from their work, maybe this was the case for Ash.

"Maybe I should just give up…" The words were so quiet that Gary wouldn't have heard them had he not been sitting directly next to the trainer.

 _Why not? I'm just a failure._

 _Failure, failure, failure._

For once, Gary stayed quiet. He was thrown off by Ash's hollow replies, his flat tone. He had no idea what to say or do to draw Ash out of this mood, but knew he needed to do something. This wasn't just a typical case of post-loss blues. This was serious. This was Ash Ketchum contemplating quitting his career as a trainer, all because of a lost battle. Gary knew as well as anyone that contemplating such a decision was, for Ash, on par with contemplating suicide.

Pokemon training was Ash's entire life. It was his passion. The idea of him not training, just giving up, was downright alarming.

He had to do something. He couldn't let Ash continue down this road. Unfortunately, there was only one thing Gary could think to bring up, but now certainly wasn't the appropriate time. But then, perhaps it was. Ash didn't just need a distraction: he needed someone to remind him of who he was.

Maybe it _was_ time for that talk to occur between the two former rivals after all.

Finishing off the rest of his drink in a few more sips, Gary gathered his courage and took a deep breath.

"I have a proposition for you," Gary's voice cut through the quiet night after a few minutes.

Ash glanced at him and noticed that the smirk was gone. After all this time, it still seemed odd to see him without it. "Yeah?"

Keeping his eyes down, focused on the empty bottle in his hands, Gary took an audible breath. "Go out with me," he said, straight forward, finally raising his gaze back to Ash's eyes.

For a brief moment, everything froze. The world was silent except for the pounding of Ash's heart in his chest. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be. Ash swallowed hard and looked away as memories from his earliest days as a trainer flooded his mind.

 _Loser_ wasn't a far leap from _failure._ The words meant the same.

 _Why would he want a failure like me?_

Caught in his thoughts as the cycle resumed yet again, Ash didn't notice how closely Gary was watching him. He didn't hear the dejected sigh from the other man, but he felt the warmth from the researcher's hand as he placed it over Ash's.

"I'm not asking you to marry me, Ash," he said softly.

Ash barely heard him as his heart pounded all the harder.

 _Failure, failure, failure…_

It was getting harder and harder to keep his composure as his anxieties only grew. The horrible, disparaging voice in his head was only growing louder, threatening to overcome him, and leaving him feeling utterly hopeless.

"Why would you want a failure like me?" Ash finally asked, trying to keep his voice from sounding as broken and hollow as he felt.

"You're not a failure!" Gary couldn't help but be, once more, alarmed at Ash's words. He sounded more disheartened than Gary could ever remember him being.

"Yes, I am," the trainer retaliated tiredly. "I'm no closer to being a pokemon master. I lost. Again. It doesn't matter," he sighed and looked up at Gary. "I'm just a loser."

"You need to change your focus, Ash. Don't let your ego get in the way," Gary advised gently, holding his gaze intently. "Think of how many victories you had to have in order to get here. You are _not_ a loser, and you're damn sure not a failure."

A bitter snort came from Ash before he could help it. He looked back down at his hands. "Could've fooled me," he muttered lowly. "With the way you always called me a loser back in the day."

Gary sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck, turning his gaze upward to the night sky. He should have known Ash would bring that up. "Ash… I was ten at the time, and confused. There was so much going on for me and I had an ego too big for my own good. I shouldn't have said it at all, but you also shouldn't believe it now."

"Come on, Gary. You know how many competitions I've been in. How can I possibly be a good trainer if I can't even win one?"

 _Failure_ , his brain took up the now-familiar mantra that he just couldn't seem to shake.

"You're talking about major competitions, Ash, with all sorts of trainers. Most are just as good as you, some are better just because they've been doing it longer," Gary explained.

He rested a hand on Ash's shoulder, squeezing gently and hoping that he could somehow get through to him. This side of Ash was always there, he knew that from their days as childhood friends, the trainer was usually able to overcome it. He was the type of person who was incredibly resilient, strong in a way that truly mattered. So it was understandable for Gary to feel saddened at the sight of Ash being this down, this depressed.

"Think about it this way: for each major region, each competition, you need a set of eight badges. You've gotten over _forty_ badges, Ash. Most of these trainers stick to one region, or travel to just one or two more. You're already one of the best at these competitions," Gary assured him, his hand slowly trailing across Ash's back in a comforting motion. "You'll get there."

Ash was quiet for a long moment, appearing to be in deep thought. He tried desperately to keep the cynical side of his mind hushed so that his thoughts wouldn't be tainted with the negativity.

"You really think so?" he finally asked softly.

"I know so," Gary replied confidently. "There's more to training than battling, you know. You are one of the _best_ trainers I have seen in any competition, Ash. You just need to keep working at it. You'll be a champion, you'll be a master."

Ash finally seemed to look a little less melancholic and Gary felt a burst of triumph within him. It was enough to push him to once more take a risk.

"I wouldn't be crazy for you if you _were_ a failure, Ashy."

Ash looked up at him, eyes wide with disbelief. "So… When you said to go out with you…" Ash dared to hope it wasn't just a game or some sort of humiliating misunderstanding.

Gary grinned, a genuine smile that made Ash's heart beat all the harder and faster. "I meant it. Still do."

"Like… dating?" Ash asked blankly.

A soft chuckled escaped Gary and he nodded. "Yes, dating," he confirmed. His face turned serious. "I'll understand if you say no, or if you don't want to answer right now. I get it; you've had a rough day, but… At least consider it?"

Silence reigned for what was truly only a few short moments but felt like an eternity. Ash nervously turned the empty beer bottle over and over in his hands, the smooth surface feeling soothing against rough hands. He wanted to say yes. He truly did. If he was honest with himself, he had always wanted this almost as much as he wanted to be a renowned pokemon master. He just needed to overcome his fear of failing.

"Yes," he finally breathed.

Instantly Gary's face split into a grin that would have been entirely at home on Ash's face.

"How did you know I wanted that?" Ash asked, suddenly wondering if his long-time crush had been at all obvious.

"I didn't. I knew I did and I decided to take the risk," Gary admitted. "I'm kind of hoping you'll do the same."

Ash frowned in confusion. Had he missed something?

 _Failu – No._ He cut the cycle off before it could resurrect its cruel grasp on his psyche.

"Aren't I?" he asked.

Gary chuckled again and the low sound sent a shudder through the trainer. Arceus help him, it was a seductive sound, downright _sexy._

"Actually, I meant a different risk," the researcher amended. "I meant taking the risk of continuing training and going to another region."

Another frown creased Ash's brow and he looked down again. All he had ever wished for was to be a pokemon trainer, the best there ever was.

He had once been so determined that he had pleaded with Professor Oak for a pokemon and had left on his journey with the most stubborn and spiteful ball of electric fluff possible. He had been so firm in his belief in himself that he had taken on any and every challenge that came his way, so unwavering in his desire to be the best that he would brush away his defeats and find a new way. He never took the easy way out – why would you do something easy when you could challenge yourself and become even better as a result?

His ten-year-old self would be ashamed to see him now, going on about being a failure and considering abandoning his dreams just because he had lost.

His fourteen-year-old self – the one who had defeated his most challenging rival in the Silver Conference – would have balked at the mere thought of walking away. Why would he walk away when he could keep going and continue to flourish?

Walking away, abandoning his hopes, smashing his very own dreams – those were the traits of a _failure_.

"I'm not a failure," Ash murmured to himself, realization finally dawning on him.

"What?" Gary hadn't quite heard what he had said but knew that it wasn't exactly an answer to his last comment.

Ash merely shook his head, smiling for the first time since his lost battle as he remembered who he was. He was Ash Ketchum and he was a damn good pokemon trainer, one that would eventually become a pokemon master. And he was most certainly not a _failure_.

"Battle me," he announced suddenly.

The abrupt change in direction startled the researcher and, for a brief second, Gary wondered just what the hell Ash was babbling about.

"Wait, what?"

Ash grinning, jumping to his feet and whirling to face his former rival. "I challenge you to a battle," he proclaimed loudly, holding his head high and meeting Gary's eyes boldly.

Gary was silent for a moment as understanding slowly washed over him. He quickly recovered, smirking. "You do realize I have an aerodactyl with me, right?"

Ash mimicked his smirk and raised an eyebrow challengingly. "You do realize I beat you in the Silver Conference, won the Orange League, made it to the finals in every –"

Gary was on his feet and approaching him before Ash was even close to done with his spiel. Suddenly he was closer than ever, their faces mere centimeters apart. Ash felt his breath hitch, his words fading in his throat as Gary's lips were suddenly crushed against his own.

The whole universe was shrunk down to them. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else _existed_ in that moment. All Ash could do was kiss him back, pouring all of his passion into the kiss and letting go of his fears.

Their lips moved fervently, feverishly, almost bruising in the overwhelming need to be closer. Ash's hands came up, his fingers curling in his partner's mahogany hair, an involuntary whimper escaping him as Gary pervaded each of his senses.

And just suddenly as it had started, it was over.

"That's the Ash I want to see," Gary murmured. He gently brushed his thumb against Ash's swollen lips, mesmerized by the sight of the trainer. His hair was messy, cheeks flushed, and so utterly, wonderfully attractive. "None of this _failure_ shit; that's not you. I want the real Ash."

His senses still in overdrive from the unexpected kiss, Ash could only nod. He steadied his erratic breathing and smiled up at the researcher.

"Well, you've got him."

… … …


End file.
